As strange as this is to write, I have accepted my ex husband. Who he was, what he did, and who he is now. Notice I said accepted and not forgiven. I am not saying it was acceptable at all, but I am not going to live everyday in that story of abuse and isolation. I am not going to continue to be the person I was then. I am not his victim. I am strong and different. And completely in control of my story and my journey.
I seriously never, like never ever, like over my dead body, like when pigs fly, thought I would ever get here. Long story short, we had a situation with the kids that we needed to not only be in very constant communication, but also needed to work together.. Out of a terrible situation, we were able to work together, be respectful, interact by phone and in person (first time in nearly two years), and appreciate each others strengths. Dare I say, we were civil and maybe a tad friendly.
Let me preface this by saying I am not allowing him back in my life in an way other than a co-parent. I do not fantasize about us being a family again. I just don’t see him as the same monster I used to. By accepting him as he is now, I have been able to heal myself and clear my head and heart of the emotional resentments, rage, hurt, sadness and shame. I no longer think about wanting him to hurt and suffer like I did. I am at peace with myself and have come to terms with what happened. By accepting the past situation with him, I am allowing myself to take control of the pain, make sense of the trauma, and create a relationship with him on my terms with the knowledge I have past and present. I realize we are both flawed, and we both had a part in the things that happened between us. I am moving forward cautiously with confidence that I am safe and in charge of my participation in any relationship I choose to have in the future with him
The process is not only to survive the trauma, but to learn and grow from it. But acceptance is a healing journey I make by myself for myself. My goal is not forgiveness. My goal is emotional resolution, the restoration of my best self, the rekindling of meaning and value in my life. Also without those experiences, I would never have moved forwards in my life and found the Suburban Goddess Mom within.