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One Mistake

My partner and I have been together for nearly a year. We have been through a lot in this short year but have always managed to find a way to be together, work together, and overcome the obstacles.

Recently, he made a mistake. A huge mistake. It was actually in my idealized relationship rules, a deal breaker. That was before he did it. And now, I am just not sure.

You see, Chris struggles with addiction. He has for his entire life, but he has been sober for our entire relationship and the time prior to it. If you are a regular reader then you know I put my kids safety and well being before anything. I would never engage in a relationship with someone who is using drugs and all the other illegal things that often goes along with it.

Unfortunately, Chris relapsed. It was one day. One day in nearly 365. And I was so angry, hurt, upset, scared, and so many more emotions. Once the initial shock wave passed and we were able to have a completely open and honest conversation, I felt so empathetic. I am not ready to punish him, myself, or my kids for one stupid mistake. It’s clear that he feels horrible and has recommitted to his sobriety and this family.

I don’t know exactly how I feel about the whole concept of addiction being a disease. Partially because in my mind, there is a decision being made. You bought the drugs. You did the drugs. Nobody made you. Of course it is hard to say no, but it is hard to say no to lots of things. One thing I do know is that I believe in second chances and learning from mistakes.

So that is what we are doing: giving it a second chance and learning from this mistake. Don’t worry; my guard is up and my eyes are wide open, but sometimes you have take a leap of faith and this Suburban Goddess Mom has faith in Christopher James Morgan.

Aura-Seeing Rainbows

I have always known that I could see other peoples auras; but I never knew what they were, that others could not see them, or what they meant. Over the past decade or so I have learned to trust my natural ability and learned quite a bit in the process.

Aura is an energy field that radiates matter around living things. To me it often looks as a glowing light around the upper half of the body. I see the auras as glowing bands of colored light graduating out. The closer to the body the band is, the more vibrant and solid it is. Everyone has an aura, and your aura describes you and your potential in this life. I can only see someone’s aura when I do not know him/her. Once I know someone my feelings and knowledge of them tends to affect what I see and how I see them.

By looking at someone’s aura I can tell a lot about them. I can tell if a person is healthy or ill, even if they are happy or unhappy in life, all by the intensity and vibrancy of their aura. One person’s aura may be bright, vibrant and expanded; showing openness, well being, positive self esteem and health. While another’s may be faded and tightly drawn to the body, showing fear, illness, lack of self esteem, and hopelessness.

Each color on the aura spectrum gives information about the person’s past, present and future. Being able to read the aura and understand the meaning behind each color has helped me understand the way I process info, my interactions with people, how I handle my intimate relationships and my purpose in this life.

There are three categories of colors; physical, mental and emotional. The physical colors process info predominantly through their physical bodies and through touch. These colors include red, orange, magenta, and yellow. Mental colors process life intellectually by gathering info and then analyzing. These colors include tan and green. Emotional colors process life through feelings, emotions and intuition, These colors are blue, violet, indigo, lavender, and clear (also called crystal). People can also have a combination of colors. Colors can compliment or create inner conflict. The color combos commonly found together are blue/yellow, yellow/violet and blue/violet.

For me, trusting what I see and feel is the biggest step in reading someone’s aura. Learning to see auras helps me understand that we all have innate talents and abilities. It helps me better understand others and myself. This Suburban Goddess Mom is a proud aura see-er, reader and interpreter.

Save The Drama For Your Mama

I am well aware that my children have already been dealt a very heavy load of trauma and difficult situations. They have seen and heard verbal and physical abuse. They have lost one grandmother, two great grandmothers and dog. They dealt with our separation and divorce. There was the move to Maine, which took them away from their house, their school, their friends, their nanny, and everything they had ever known.

As much as I want to protect them from trauma, difficulty and hurt, it is not always possible. Many times I am conflicted between protecting them as my children and permitting them to take risks. Taking safe risks builds confidence and competence, but sometimes it is so hard to allow children out of the bubble of safety we have created as their parent. I think all we can do is give them the tools they need and a safe place to return to.

We are what I consider a “talking family”. We talk about everything, all the time. When it came to dealing with my children’s traumas above, I spent time – a lot of time – talking clearly and concisely about each incident. I ask them questions and always let them know how loved they are and that we can always talk about anything. And they do, maybe not right away but they always find moments in the car or snuggled in bed with me when we say our goodnight or good mornings, to talk. Children need consistent, patient support. It is important as the adult that I have already managed my feelings about the incident and keep my composure. Staying calm is essential. Also, when they circle back with me in their own time, I always let them guide the conversation. Listening intently, being compassionate and loving. This method has worked for us to manage the difficult times in our pas,t and I really believe it will help us conquer the challenges of our future.

No matter what the issue, I always want to be the soft place for my kids to land, the ear that listens, the hands that help, the shoulder to cry on. There is no more important job for this Suburban Goddess Mom then to raise healthy (emotionally and physically) children.

Acceptance and Maybe Forgiveness

As strange as this is to write, I have accepted my ex husband. Who he was, what he did, and who he is now.  Notice I said accepted and not forgiven.  I am not saying it was acceptable at all, but I am not going to live everyday in that story of abuse and isolation.  I am not going to continue to be the person I was then.  I am not his victim.  I am strong and different. And completely in control of my story and my journey.

I seriously never, like never ever, like over my dead body, like when pigs fly, thought I would ever get here. Long story short, we had a situation with the kids that we needed to not only be in very constant communication, but also needed to work together.. Out of a terrible situation, we were able to work together, be respectful, interact by phone and in person (first time in nearly two years), and appreciate each others strengths.  Dare I say, we were civil and maybe a tad friendly.

Let me preface this by saying I am not allowing him back in my life in an way other than a co-parent.  I do not fantasize about us being a family again.  I just don’t see him as the same monster I used to.  By accepting him as he is now, I have been able to heal myself and clear my head and heart of the emotional resentments, rage, hurt, sadness and shame.  I no longer think about wanting him to hurt and suffer like I did.  I am at peace with myself and have come to terms with what happened.  By accepting the past situation with him, I am allowing myself to take control of the pain, make sense of the trauma, and create a relationship with him on my terms with the knowledge I have past and present.  I realize we are both flawed, and we both had a part in the things that happened between us. I am moving  forward cautiously with confidence that I am safe and in charge of my participation in any relationship I choose to have in the future with him

The process is not only to survive the trauma, but to learn and grow from it.  But acceptance is a healing journey I make by myself for myself.  My goal is not forgiveness.  My goal is emotional resolution, the restoration of my best self, the rekindling of meaning and value in my life.  Also without those experiences, I would never have moved forwards in my life and found the Suburban Goddess Mom within.

Tattoo Me

I love tattoos.  I have always loved tattoos, but I grew up in an environment where tattoos were absolutely unacceptable. In fact, my mother would not even allow me to have my ears pierced until I was 18, as an adult it was by decision.  Prior to that she would say, “If G-d wanted more holes in your head, he would have put them there himself.”  Well, 18 came and went.  Over the years I have gotten several piercings and tattoos. My tattoos and piercings were all pretty much in hidden or private places until I separated from my ex. Then I came out as me. Tattoos and piercings and all!

Your body is a canvas, not only does it bear the marks of your growth from childhood into adulthood by way of scars, moles, and other natural born blemishes but many, like myself, also choose to express their story through the art of tattoo.  While not all tattoos have some significance or poignant meaning to the bearer, there is almost always a reason behind why the owner has chosen that specific design. No matter the design, tattoos are a personal and permanent way to express how you were feeling. The tattoo is a reminder of a moment, or an expression of a memory or situation which impacted your life. Tattoos can be a cathartic reminders of trials, tribulations, and a great deal of growth throughout their owner’s lives.

It is important to realize that the art is impressive, beautiful, and attainable. Every person can have an amazing tattoo. Every person can have their own unique tattoo. Having a tattoo can be an expression of who you are or what you believe in. Or something you cherish. Or just something you thought was fun. The prejudice is certainly greatly diminished.

With my 37th birthday quickly approaching, I decided there is no better time to get my next tattoo then now. And I knew exactly what to get. The symbol of Suburban Goddess Mom, the symbol of my journey, freedom, transformation and passion.