I don’t want to be a fraud anymore. I think in a lot of ways I was a fraud my whole life. Between my parents divorce, my moms battle with cancer for 9 years and her devastating passing. I was always playing a role, created by someone else. Then I met my ex and played the role of the perfect match. Then the perfect housewife and mother. I spent my 35 years, not being honest or real about nearly anything. I believed I was destined or created to be this person.
The marriage part is the part that is harder to accept. Because he forced and controlled everything I said or did or thought. And as much as it did not feel right, I believed two things. One this was the role I was trained since an early age to play. Two, I could never leave him.
So I lied about being happily married. Lied about finding my ex sexy, funny, handsome, and smart. Lied about the sex. It was awful, boring and not worth it. I lied about wanting kids. Laughing at his jokes. Hanging on his every word. Taking care of his every need. I know now that I lied about loving him or even wanting to be married.
But I was raised to do all these things. Not lie obviously but to have that life. A Jewish husband making a good living, a big house, kids. Women are supposed to be mothers. They are supposed to have natural maternal instincts. I have learned to loathe the phrase supposed to.
And then one day I cracked. Not cracked like went crazy (depending on who you talk to) but more like the intricate disguise I wore fell apart. I could not and would not spend one more minute in that body or that marriage. I was literally dying inside. And by this point the kids were starting to be aware of the abuse inflicted on me. And I knew I had to leave. So I did. It was a messy, painful, expensive process. But it was the opening of the gates to salvation.
I was no longer living someone else’s life dictated to me. I was no longer abused, manipulated and controlled by anyone. I was me. It was a painful, raw, uncomfortable and real. And I made a ton of bad choices and mistakes along the way. But I learned through working on myself how to embrace the real me, how to love who I am and trust myself.
If you were in my old life I am sorry I was a total fraud and liar. It was not at all on purpose. I was hardly even aware of it. I believed my own lies. And I do hope you have been able to get to know the real me. As I have come to discover, uncover and explore it over the past year and a half.
You are all blessings to me and role models about staying on this path. Being exactly who you are. And loving truly every aspect of yourself at this moment in time. This suburban goddess mom seeks not only the truth in others but the truth within. Even if that truth is that I am an angry, hot mess, ex fraud, suburban goddess mom.