I grew up in a very traditional and religious environment. Anything new age or non traditional or not Jewish even was not discussed. I didn’t realize a world outside of conservative Judaism and patriarchal traditions even existed until high school really.
I was always the kind of child who was friends with someone very different from myself. I realize now the diversity I sought out in others was really an exploration, realization and a way to accept the difference I knew was inside me. But did not know how to name it, explore it or embrace it.
I was always different. I can remember from a very early age having vivid dreams that in the coming days or weeks would come alive right before my eyes. Deja vu was the explanation my mom gave but there was really something more to it. I was so frightened of this gift. I could see the future and also the past, I knew things that there is no way I possibly knew. I have also always been very in tune with others. As a child I was often described as overly empathetic and sensitive by my teacher. I could feel other peoples pain, darkness, anxiety. I have been able to see others auras and feel others life vibrations with in me. I thought everyone could. As my home life changed and I grew up I began exploring the new age movement and myself. My souls gifts were still there and ready to be unwrapped.
Until recently, I explored my gifts and soul in small common ways. Yoga, meditation, essential oils, prayer, a psychic reading, a tarot reading, studying buddhism and a little feng shui. Fear of standing out too much or of being seen as too out there had stopped me from my very own Eat, Pray, Love pilgrimage with in. A movie and book that truly ignites a yearning inside of me, for the freedom to explore myself and the universe. FOMO, big time.
My spiritual hunger has continued to grow and will not be ignored anymore. There is a goddess in there trying to get out and free me from the chains of judgement, normalcy and denying my true self. The labyrinth to my true nourished soul is treacherous but the prize at the end is worth this journey. I can think of no better end result then to be grounded, centered and connected to my true inner and higher self.
While I would like to tell you this journey so far has been a beautiful, graceful, and effortless one, as with everything else in my life it has been messy, funny, difficult, embarrassing and real. I am sure that you would expect nothing less from this suburban goddess hot mess mom. There have been some pulled muscles, maybe a rash or two, a sobbing outburst in yoga class, definitely more than one snoring nap on a practitioner table, many books read some are so out there for me I giggle or roll my eyes and numerous conversations with people I consider enlightened that I don’t even know what they are talking about and I am embarrassed to ask questions. There have also been moments of true enlightenment and inner peace. I have sighed with realization or said “aha” more times then I can count.
The journey continues, I do not believe the search within will ever be complete. I continue to want to dive head first into the cool waters that flow within. I anxiously await the moment of coming back to the surface bathed in the knowledge and energy of my soul. I want to transform my rituals, behaviors and beliefs into a way of being and knowing. I am always here standing on the edge of the vast and deep unknown ready and waiting to reset all the things I think I know and all the things I think I am. The act of self discovery and learning is never ending and a daily process for me. I am a soul seeker and searching for my suburban goddess mom within.