I realized just how much anger I still have in my life. Mostly at my ex husband. I hate him, like nearly everything about him. I do not think of myself as an angry, hateful person and I know he is deserving of my hate. But I do not want to feel hate and anger in my life on a regular basis. I also do not want him to have any affect on me: good or bad.
During my most recent exchange with him of the children, this anger erupted right below the surface. Like a fast moving wildfire gathering speed and ferociousness as the seconds and minutes past. My skin was hot and my blood was boiling.
Nearly every time I have to see him, I literally bite my tongue and shove my feelings so deep inside my shoes feel tight. I tell myself it is for the good of the children and I am the better person.
This time when I got back in the car this time all I wanted to do was scream. Scream all the things I wish I had said, not just from today but from the ten years before today. The aggressive monologue imagined would surely be filled with an obscene amount of foul language. In a way, I usually would never speak. But I did not. I held on to the rage for dear life as I journeyed back home. I am afraid of what I would say and I am also afraid of expressing it in front of my new partner, Chris who was with me. I worry he will be upset that I still have so many feelings for the ex, all be it negative feelings.
My fire, my rage was quickly extinguished by a good 20 minutes of tears. Streaming down my face steadily. Even as I write this today, my tears, these ever faithful companions join me again. I often internalize anger.
This man hurt me for far too long. But we are divorced now. Living in different states. Living mostly separate lives. We are both in serious relationships. My kids are doing better than they have ever done.
But why? Why can’t I release this anger?
I know this anger does not serve me. I know I am in charge of my reaction. But I cannot control this. I have tried. I have done it all. I have talked about this in therapy. Written a letter to him expressing everything and burning it. I even once yelled at him on the phone until he hung up. I have burned my wedding drees and kettubah (the Jewish marriage contract). I have meditated on it. But this anger is still there. I am not always fully aware of it. But this dark, heavy feeling is always present, although often well hidden.
Maybe I need to forgive him. I do not know if I can ever forgive him for the horrible things he has done. He did apologize recently and said he realizes I will never forgive him and I that he does not deserve it. In my most generous moments, I feel sorry for him and know how truly sad and pathetic he is. There is a cornucopia of obstacles to overcome and lots of demons need to be slayed on the journey to release this.
As I sat down to write this piece the dark clouds in me opened up and the a divine bright light revealed the truth. I allow him to make me see myself as the victim still. I will not be a victim anymore. Here I am, ready to begin the journey to release this. I am not broken, misused, misunderstood, not lovable, not good enough, stupid, worthless, ugly and a million other things he has said and I internalized. I am rewriting this story because it is mine. I need to speak to the goddess within and tell her the truth. Who I am and what I am. I need to say it so much, that there is absolutely no doubt. And in those moments of interaction I will be strong from the inside out.
I am a goddess. I am magnificent temple. I am everything I am and have everything I need. I choose to be at peace with myself, my past, my present and those around me. We are all works in progress. This is the story of a suburban goddess mom and in this area I am under construction, but only temporarily.
I grew up in a very traditional and religious environment. Anything new age or non traditional or not Jewish even was not discussed. I didn’t realize a world outside of conservative Judaism and patriarchal traditions even existed until high school really.
I was always the kind of child who was friends with someone very different from myself. I realize now the diversity I sought out in others was really an exploration, realization and a way to accept the difference I knew was inside me. But did not know how to name it, explore it or embrace it.
I was always different. I can remember from a very early age having vivid dreams that in the coming days or weeks would come alive right before my eyes. Deja vu was the explanation my mom gave but there was really something more to it. I was so frightened of this gift. I could see the future and also the past, I knew things that there is no way I possibly knew. I have also always been very in tune with others. As a child I was often described as overly empathetic and sensitive by my teacher. I could feel other peoples pain, darkness, anxiety. I have been able to see others auras and feel others life vibrations with in me. I thought everyone could. As my home life changed and I grew up I began exploring the new age movement and myself. My souls gifts were still there and ready to be unwrapped.
Until recently, I explored my gifts and soul in small common ways. Yoga, meditation, essential oils, prayer, a psychic reading, a tarot reading, studying buddhism and a little feng shui. Fear of standing out too much or of being seen as too out there had stopped me from my very own Eat, Pray, Love pilgrimage with in. A movie and book that truly ignites a yearning inside of me, for the freedom to explore myself and the universe. FOMO, big time.
My spiritual hunger has continued to grow and will not be ignored anymore. There is a goddess in there trying to get out and free me from the chains of judgement, normalcy and denying my true self. The labyrinth to my true nourished soul is treacherous but the prize at the end is worth this journey. I can think of no better end result then to be grounded, centered and connected to my true inner and higher self.
While I would like to tell you this journey so far has been a beautiful, graceful, and effortless one, as with everything else in my life it has been messy, funny, difficult, embarrassing and real. I am sure that you would expect nothing less from this suburban goddess hot mess mom. There have been some pulled muscles, maybe a rash or two, a sobbing outburst in yoga class, definitely more than one snoring nap on a practitioner table, many books read some are so out there for me I giggle or roll my eyes and numerous conversations with people I consider enlightened that I don’t even know what they are talking about and I am embarrassed to ask questions. There have also been moments of true enlightenment and inner peace. I have sighed with realization or said “aha” more times then I can count.
The journey continues, I do not believe the search within will ever be complete. I continue to want to dive head first into the cool waters that flow within. I anxiously await the moment of coming back to the surface bathed in the knowledge and energy of my soul. I want to transform my rituals, behaviors and beliefs into a way of being and knowing. I am always here standing on the edge of the vast and deep unknown ready and waiting to reset all the things I think I know and all the things I think I am. The act of self discovery and learning is never ending and a daily process for me. I am a soul seeker and searching for my suburban goddess mom within.
I am a self described mess. Not just any old mess but a steaming hot mess. I spend my resources including time, energy, money, and efforts on making sure my kids, partner, dog and house are not a mess. It is so important to me that everyone else in my life have their shit together.
But I am the hall closet. I believe we all have a closet in our home that when company is coming especially last minute that we jam full of the things that we need to hide. Just like your hall closet I am full of so many things. Some things more positive than others. My life is so full but so disorganized and so many aspects of myself are overlooked. And I say one day I will get to it, but never really do.
I am that mom. The mom that you smile at because you know I am doing my best and struggling but still trying. The mom who is often unshowered, with unwashed hair and generally completely undone in every aspect of the word. I live in yoga pants and a sweatshirt but have not made it to yoga since the beginning of August.
I’ll admit it last year I took the kids to school nearly everyday in a bathrobe. And my kids start school the latest in the district, at 9am. But the kids were always fed, dressed and had everything they needed to be successful.
I have spent the past year working intensely on myself. After a bad marriage, challenging divorce and moving 4 hours away, I needed to rebuild and recreate myself. And one of the key terms that has appeared and reappeared consistently in my work is self care.
Self care is a much broader term than I ever realized. There are five differenttypes of self-care as I see it: physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual and professionalcare. But doing things for myself has always been a bit foreign to me. I generally do enough self care for my own personal survival.
The more self care I do the more I feel like the suburban goddess mom I want to be. Self care truly feeds my inner goddess and allows it grow. It expands my body, mind and soul . It cleans out the darkness inside myself. Wherever the goddess self care light shines the darkness, heaviness, judgement, criticism, and lack of esteem cease to exist.
In all honesty though, I like being a mess at least most of the time. I embrace and identify with it. It allows me to not have to try, to not have to spend tons of time or money on my appearance. I tell myself it allows me to be a truer form of myself, a free spirit. But there is a part of me that knows this is all a mask, a lie I tell myself to protect myself from disappointment of trying and failing. From my inability to be perfect or just like everyone else.
Now that the truth is out who knows who or how I will be in the future. I know I am capable of change if I truly want it. But lets keep it real, this does not mean I will be the showered, make up wearing, hair blown out mom. After all I am not a miracle worker or a wizard, just a suburban goddess mom.
Several days ago, I realized something about myself. Something real and significant. Something that was always there but I was completely unable to see it. Something I can see in all the amazing women around me. Each and every one of you is a goddess, capable of so much greatness. I have always been inspired, in awe, and jealous of all of you. And I could never see my own greatness and uniqueness.
But a few days ago, I saw it. It actually felt like a light shining directly through me. It was like lightening directly from the heavens. And just like that, I could finally see it. I am a suburban goddess mom just like all of you. I am usually quite incapable of giving myself credit of any positive kind. So on this day I shouted it from the rooftops, which in this modern technology world is Facebook.
The post read, “Today I feel like a suburban goddess mom and it’s only 9:30. Woke up at 6, made Chris his breakfast and lunch, cuddled with Brayden who woke up early, showered and washed my hair, I am dressed in non workout clothes, woke JoJo, got both kids dressed, fed them breakfast, did JoJo’s hair for a change, played two games with Brayden, got kids to school on time, grocery shopped, went to Starbucks. And I will spend the rest of the day at school talking about Hanukah. Some days are like this this and some days I wear pjs all day and get nothing done. But today I am patting myself on the back!!!”
Posting that and the feedback I received made me think. There is something more to all this. And after much thought and conversation I have decided to start exploring, writing and blogging again. It has been about two years since I stopped blogging. For those of you who have read my previous blog this will be something totally different. It will not be focused on health and wellness while those topics I am sure will come up in my writing. But the real difference is my writing will be my unedited truth. My life is truth now. In a way I could have never dreamed of.
So for now this blog will have a life of its own. The truth and spirit of my life will be my true star. And thus I am unsure about many things such as future topics, how often blogposts will be published, or where all this will go. This is the journey of my real life. But I promise I will write with honesty, gratitude, thoughtfulness, love, humor at myself and it will always be me, a suburban goddess mom.